What it means to love
by Rikka-tan
Summary: [Hiatus] They have this 'chasing and being chased' game for many years. Shizuo thought he knew Izaya more than anyone else, but did he? For he'd never know, even someone like Izaya is capable of loving someone… deeply. Eventually Shizaya. Rating will change later.
1. Not just another day

**Title**: What it means to love

**Pairing**: Tsugaru x Izaya, Shizuo x Izaya

**Summary**: They have this 'chasing and being chased' game for many years. Shizuo thought he knew Izaya more than anyone else, but did he? For he'd never know, even someone like Izaya is capable of loving someone… deeply. Eventually Shizaya.

**Disclaimer**: I obviously do not own Durarara, it is belong to its rightful owner Ryohgo Narita. Also the line at the very top of my story comes from Eternal snow song.

**Warning**: it contains Male x Male relationship, so if you can't stand this genre, I suggested you to turn back now. You have been warned~

**A/N: First, I need to make it clear that I will be writing this story in two timeline. _Italic _is the past, while the present will be the usual words. (Also, '…' mark means inner thought). Also, huge thank you to my friend's older sister for beta-ing this. Well, enjoy :)**

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_If this is how it feels,_

_I didn't want to know what it was like to be in love with someone…_

_My tears won't stop,_

_And so I wish that I never met you…_

Ikebukuro, like usual, is buried with people walking on its street. As noisy as it always been, it is another peaceful day, at least for Ikebukuro most fearful person, Heiwajima Shizuo. His day is fairly normal. He wakes up, eats, works, sleeps; just a real common life, except for the fact that now he is grabbing the neck of a middle-age man, lifting him up about 30cm from the floor, with a glare that for sure showing an intense anger toward the man in front of him.

The poor man, trembling in fear, obviously afraid for his own life, trying hard looking at the eyes of the man on bartender uniform in front of him, with his shaking voice, stuttered, "P-Pl-please, let- let me go. I- I—I promise, I will pay my debt soon, I swear!"

Shizuo hissed, still looking at the man with murderous eyes, "I don't give a damn whatever excuse you're giving! Look here! You, fucking pay your debt, NOW, or else-!"

Shizuo tighten his grab on the man, nearly chocking him to death if not for his boss interfere.

"Shizuo, let him go. You're going to kill him at this rate, and he won't be able to pay his debt if he died," said Tom casually as he walked towards Shizuo.

Shizuo growl, released the man reluctantly, and then walked away to the street sign near him, resting his back against it. Tom seems to be talking to the man, reasoned him as to why he need to pay off his debt, and not to make his bodyguard pissed off more than he already is. Shizuo taking out a cigarette case from his pocket, pulled out one of them, and lit it up. He inhaled then exhaled the smoke, trying to calm down his anger, even though it usually doesn't help much.

He feels tired and wants today's job end as quickly as possible. He doubts it'll be happened though, as he saw Tom still arguing with the man. Shizuo feels his eyebrow twitch, his anger start to build up again, he just want to beat up that fucking bastard, since it's obvious the man wasn't going pay off his debt. Tom always just too soft for his own good, well, that's just how he is, though he just going to waste his kindness on someone who doesn't even deserves it. Tom should just let Shizuo handle the man and get this over soon.

Shizuo exhaled his fifth cigarette. His patient start to burn out and he know for sure he is going to explode soon. He takes a look at the street, who knows he will find something or _someone_ to vent his anger with. As he looks around, he spotted a raven haired man with fur-trimming jacket walking on the street. For some reason, Shizuo has always been able to find the _fucking_ flea, no matter how crowded the place is and it really only restricted to that man.

Shizuo feels anger boiled up immediately the moment he saw the informant, the cigarette he's held snap into two. He throws it to the ground and starts walking towards him after pulling out the street sign he is resting against just a while ago. Tom seems to realize what is Shizuo going to do, asking him where he is going, though nothing seems to enter Shizuo head, except for the need to kill the louse right away.

He walked straight towards the raven, "I-ZA-YAAAAAA!"

The crowd started panic and run, knowing very well at what is going to happen. The moment those two infamous people met, destruction is unavoidable and any sane person would keep their distance out of them, if they still want to live, that's it. They spread out aimlessly and the path was opened for Shizuo, much to his delight. He is glad no one was standing on his way from killing the informant, although those people, of course, was doing it out of fear.

"IZAYAAAAAAAAA!"

Silence. There is no sound come out. Aside from the crowd of course, the fact that Izaya is actually not responding him, makes Shizuo even angrier.

Heck! The flea didn't even turn around! Usually, Izaya would already tease him with his smirk and start their damn chasing game, but what the fuck?! Much less answering, he didn't even try to run!

Shizuo growl, tighten his grab on the street sign, 'that flea, what the hell is he planning now?'

Whatever it was, it would never be good news as long as the flea was involved. Shizuo hissed, he lift up the street sign he was holding. "IZAYAAA!"

The poor street sign was flying towards Izaya, barely missed him a few inches above his hair. As if he was just waking up from his trance, Izaya whirl around and spotted Shizuo walking towards him with a glare full of killing intense.

Izaya just stare at Shizuo, still doesn't say anything and seems to freeze up on the spot. It seems like he just realized what situation he was in when Shizuo got closer to him. Izaya didn't even spare a glance at Shizuo as he start to turn his back and run away from the blond.

And so the chasing begins. Shizuo run fast, following Izaya as the raven swiftly pass through the crowd, trying to lose Shizuo. Unfortunately, Shizuo had been chasing after the informant for how many fucking years, that he already knew the trick Izaya often used to get away from him. For sure, Izaya turn to his right and run into an alley.

Shizuo followed after Izaya as he see the man run through some cardboard, trash, bricks, and anything else that lay over the alley. The flea sure is agile as none of those things manage to stop him at all. Shizuo could do a park-our as well, but he must admit that Izaya is far better than him, as he could always dodge almost everything Shizuo throw to him. Of course, there was time when he managed to hit Izaya, and Shizuo was sure as hell he would never forget those 'glorious' moments.

Shizuo saw Izaya suddenly stop. He looked over Izaya and saw a dead-end. The blonde grinned, he slower his speed and walk towards Izaya, then stop a few step from the raven, "Looks like you got nowhere to run anymore, huh, flea?"

Izaya didn't answer. Instead, he just stood there and stared at Shizuo, with an expression Shizuo couldn't fathom. Shizuo maybe not the smartest person ever, on the contrary he was a really simple person. He never think much and let his instinct or feeling led him, that's actually the very reason why Izaya could never controlled Shizuo, as he would always called him protozoan, Neanderthal, brute or worst, **monster**, which always been able to make Shizuo lost his temper. The flea is always a sly person, manipulative bastard who always love to mess with people. You could never believed him, as he always twists his words around, playing with people feeling, full of fakeness. Nevertheless, Shizuo can't help but to sense there is something odd about Izaya.

As Shizuo opened up his mouth, about to say something, Izaya beat him to it.

"Ara, Shizu-chan, how persistent of you, follow me up to here. But then again that's what you always do. So, how can I help you, hmm?" Izaya smirked as he lean against the concrete behind him.

Shizuo growled, "Tch! I told you to stay out of Ikebukuro, flea."

"but, Shizu-chan, unlike you, I have a lot of business here, so it's out of question to stay out, besides, as far as I know, you do not own Ikebukuro, I'm free to do as I pleased~" Izaya said with a singsong voice.

"The hell I care! I said stay out of here and that's that! And stop calling me by that fucking nickname!" Shizuo shout angrily as he walked towards Izaya, gripping his hand into a fist.

"No way~ I would never stop calling you Shizu-chan. it's a cute name you know, _'Shizu-chan'_, even though it meant for a monster like you," Izaya said mockingly. "Besides, have I ever listened to you, Shizu-chan?"

'That's it!' Shizuo gritted, he lost the last straw of his patient. His body raging ups with anger that waiting to be released. The blond was not wasting time stomping furiously toward Izaya, ready to vent out his anger.

Izaya motion himself as he saw Shizuo coming closer to him. He glances around to see his surrounding, searching for a way out. There is none though, his only way of escaping is through the road behind Shizuo.

"Ne, Shizu-chan, have you done yet? You know, as much as I love to, I actually don't have time to play with you today," said Izaya as he reaching out for his switchblade inside his pocket.

"Why don't you step aside and make a way for me?"

As Izaya about to pull out his switchblade, Shizuo had already stood right in front of him, grabbed his hand then slammed it to the wall. Izaya froze up. He is caught between the blond arms. Usually Izaya wouldn't make such a blunder mistake. He was a cautious person and would always hold his guard up. However today is different, he seems really distracted. The raven for once doesn't have a clue of what to do. The fact is he actually aimlessly walking around and doesn't even realize he had arrived at Ikebukuro. He got a lot on his mind and just too distracted to have himself messing with the brute. Izaya didn't want to see anyone, much less the blond. Just… _**not today**_.

'Today… is _**that**_ day…'

Izaya stared at Shizuo for a second then quickly found himself looking at the ground, didn't even care when the blond grabbed his neck and lift him up, almost chocking him up. Shizuo hissed, annoyed at his silent and confused as to why the raven didn't even try to release himself.

"What flea? Too scared even for speak? Never thought I would catch you, huh?" taunt Shizuo with a husky voice full of anger.

Still, Izaya didn't speak. He just continues stare at the ground, ignoring Shizuo completely. The bodyguard tried to see Izaya expression, but the informant just continuously lowered his head down that a few strands of black locks end-up covering his face.

'What the hell?!' The flea just ignoring him! There really is something wrong with Izaya. The raven not only refuses to speak. Fuck that! He didn't even try to move. There is no way Izaya would just give up like that.

'He must be planning something', Shizuo thought as he glared at Izaya, tighten his grip.

"Izaya-kun~ what are you planning? You think you could just shut up, feigning innocence? What is it?! You must be up to no good, now, Spit it out!" Shizuo shout as he slammed Izaya hard into the wall.

'Stop it…'

Izaya twitch as the pain hit him, but still he didn't voiced out at all. Shizuo feels his anger build up even more by the act.

No smirk. No taunt.

He _**hates**_ how the flea just ignoring him. He _**hates**_ how the flea refuses to look at him.

Shizuo hissed, "Dammit! Flea! Look at me!" Shizuo tilted Izaya chin up so that the raven eyes settled at him.

Ruby met amber. He couldn't help but saw the blond eyes full of anger, desperation, and… concerned?

Izaya immediately averted his eyes. He just looked at anywhere else except Shizuo's. He didn't want that eyes look at him.

Not when he feels vulnerable.

Not when he feels weak.

Not when he couldn't even put on his mask.

Not when he couldn't protect himself.

Not when that honey orbs penetrated through him.

Especially…

Not when that eyes looks just like… _him_…

Shizuo growl as he saw Izaya turning his eyes from him… _**again**_. "I said look at me!"

'Stop it…'

Shizuo once again tilted Izaya's head towards him, roughly.

'Stop it..!'

Izaya saw the amber glared at him furiously. 'Ah… it really resembles him…'

The raven feels his heart beat really fast, his body heat up. He could feel his eyes start to blurry, because of… tears.

Izaya immediately close his eyes. He didn't want to cry. He didn't want anyone see him crying, and most of all, not Shizuo.

'Don't look at me.'

Shizuo noticed. He would never thought to see the flea…

"Oi, flea…"

'Don't look at me with that face.'

"Oi, flea!" Shizuo shakes Izaya's body hard, "Flea, what's wrong with you?!"

'Don't look at me with the same face as _him_…'

"Flea!" Shizuo unconsciously released his grip on Izaya's hand. He put the raven down then placing both of his hand on Izaya's shoulder, shaking it hard. "Dammit!"

"Izaya!"

'…Don't—'

'…Don't call my name.' Izaya begged, his body start shaking.

"Izaya! Answer me!"

'…Not with that voice—'

"Oi, Izaya!"

'Don't call my name with the same voice as _him_.'

"Izaya! Hey, Izaya!"

'No…'

'No...!'

'No! Stop it!' Izaya scream desperately in his head.

'I don't want to remember!'

Izaya starts breathing harshly. His closed eyes feel heavy of tears. He could feel his heart pounding quickly.

The memories he buried deep inside were returned, like a film, it all played back to him one by one.

The memories he tried to seal deep inside his heart. The memories he tried really hard to forget. The memories… of _him_.

A figure flashed up on his mind, a blond haired man in blue and white kimono-clad.

'…Tsugaru…'

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**A/N: it's… done… (The chapter one, I mean). I honestly feel so moved knowing I actually able to get this typed down (you see, I'm a lazy-ass). Well, I'm open to constructive critics, suggestion, etc, that would help me improve my writing, or any of your thought of this story are totally welcome!**

**Thank you so much for reading :)**


	2. Untold story

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Durarara. The lines at the top are from _foolish foolish_ song by M. yuya.

**A/N:** italic is flashback. Thank you so much for all the review, fav, follows, as well as all the reader who took their time reading this. It really makes me super happy knowing someone actually read this! Also, I'm not English native speaker, so I'm really sorry if there's spelling error or grammar mistake. Now, enough talking, enjoy

**Warning again: italic is flashback, the past. Please don't get confused.**

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_I try to wipe my mind out from all the memories of you._

_But all the pictures,_

_They come back just like broken glass lay shattered on the floor…_

_And it cuts so deep, deep inside of me,_

_And I just can't stand the pain._

**Izaya's POV**

"_Aren't you lonely?"_

_Concerned._

_It was one emotion that reflected from his tranquil blue._

_Sincere. Honest. No scheme. No pretend._

_And truthfully, it's hurt._

_I'm fine with scorn. I'm fine with despise. I'm fine being the object of one's hatred._

_Actually, I took pleasure drawing out all of their emotion. Dirtiest part of them that hidden within, the part that's not mean to be showed. It amused me when I managed to drag it out of them. Human were so fascinating. They never bored me. That's why I love human._

_But kindness… is different._

_I'm not kind. Instead, evil, manipulative, vicious, sly, that's what describes me. And, it's all true._

_Why deny it? I, myself, fully know well, that's just how I am. I took pride from it and enjoyed myself as the center of their attention, even if it was out of malice._

_Yes, I'm a God, their God. My people should look up to me and be grateful as I love them unconditionally._

_Why?_

_Simple, that's because I'm Orihara Izaya._

_One's who ought to stand above all human._

_That's why, I don't seek kindness from others and no one can seek it out of me. I'm not used to it. I don't need it._

"_Whatever do you mean?" I asked playfully, completely disregarding his question._

_I know what he means. I do, but it doesn't mean I'm going to answer him honestly._

_I'm Orihara izaya, Tokyo's best information broker. You want information from me? Fine, pay me the price then you'll get it. Nothing's free and just for you know, my service is awfully expensive._

_There's no word coming out of his mouth. He just looks at me silently._

_His calm demeanor annoyed me off. He is always like this. Nothing I say able to shake him off, even when I purposely taunted, mocked, and provoked him. He's so unpredictable, just like that brute. I couldn't read him, I couldn't control him. It was mortifying. I live my life off from reading people, but now before this very person, it was completely useless._

_I kept up my facade. I'm not going to falter myself before him. Not a chance._

_I look back into his eyes, smirking, playing innocent._

_His ocean orbs settled into mine. Straight. Serene. Unwavering. It was like his eyes saw through my very being, beyond my facade. As if it was saying 'I know you'._

_And he was right._

_That blue was beautiful. Earnest. Gentle. Loving. Affections I never familiarize at, and it's all meant for me._

_I __**hate**__ it._

_No one should ever break through my barrier._

_No one was supposed to come inside._

"…lea"

_No one allowed._

"Fl…a!"

_No one…_

_A hand cupped the side of my face, caressing it gently._

"_Izaya, are you lonely?"_

"Izaya!"

I snapped back to reality, as I heard a voiced called out my name. I lift up my head and found a pair of honey orbs staring at me, confused.

Blond hair.

Tan skin.

Brown eyes…

… Instead of blue one.

'Shizu-chan…'

I finally realized I must have zone out while this brute tried to rock me up from daydreaming. I felt droplets of water flowing down to my cheek. I place my hand to my face then touch it.

Tears? It can't be happening.

Daydreaming? I must be really out of my mind.

How can I, Orihara Izaya, actually don't have any idea of what he was doing? Crying, in front of his adversary? That couldn't be true.

Yet, it was.

My eyes feel heavy. My cheek stained with tears. I've shown my weak side to the monster. The very person I hate most. I don't want to admit it, but ironically these damn tears speak the truth. It stung.

What a joke.

I laughed and laughed wryly. It's hard to believe that I lost control of myself, even if it's just for a second, and more importantly in front of this protozoan.

Shizu-chan looks at me confusedly. He certainly didn't understand what was going on, especially with my sudden outburst.

For once, there's no furrowed eyebrow. No malice. No anger displayed on his face, which was unusual. Since usually with just the sight of me was enough to piss him off. Really Shizu-chan, you look so stupid like that.

I was so tempted to tease the brute for his idiotic expression. It would be interesting to do that, but choose not to. I can't even keep my focus on myself, so angering the bodyguard at a time like this is definitely not a good idea. I doubt I can get out alive from the raining vending machine.

So, there is only one option.

I wiped away those stupid tears and regain my composure. I grip my switchblade then quickly swing it to Shizu-chan and managed to cut the blond on his chest.

He looked surprised. He must have never thought I would do this.

'I may not really be my usual self today, but that doesn't mean you can let your guard down, Shizu-chan~'

I amused myself as I saw the blond cast his eyes down, into his bartender suit. There's a line cut which I gave him just a while ago, along with red blood flowing out of it. Under that stupid looking uniform, I could see the scar I gave him on the very first day we met. I wonder till now just how many scars had I able to mark on him.

All of sudden, I saw a twitch on his eyebrow. He is going to burst in anger anytime soon.

"Unfortunately Shizu-chan, I can't seem to enjoy myself under a monster grasp. So, mind to let me go?" I smirked, twirling my switchblade around my fingers, while moving out of the ex-bartender's hold.

"IIIZAAYAAAAA!"

He clenched his hand into a fist then throws it to me. I ducked, missed the punch by an inch that was now making a contact with the concrete behind me, and successfully crumble it into pieces.

Gotta hand it to the brute for destroying the wall effortlessly.

I run towards the exit behind Shizu-chan. Turn over toward him for a second, just to mock him. "I gotta go now, Shizu-chan! It's fun playing with you today. Don't miss me, okay!"

I laughed hysterically as I was running full speed out of the alley, away from Shizuo. I could hear a monstrous roar clearly behind me, along with the sounds of broken things. The brute must be really furious right now.

As expected, playing with the blond was so much fun. It's actually able to distract my mind from _it_.

I remember the concerned expression on his face when he saw me acting out of my usual self.

How pathetic. I can't believe Shizu-chan actually worried about me. Someone he hates so much.

I smile bitterly.

Did seeing Shizu-chan who looks exactly like _him_ really make me faltered this much?

How can I let myself going down like this just because of that one person?

Why everything about him does still affected me so much?

I wish today never come. I hate today more than anything else.

I hate it when your presence becomes much stronger than any other day. I hate it when you turned me into this wreck up self. I hate it when you made me human. You… only you.

Did it make you happy to know that I still held you within my heart?

I lift up my head, gazing at the endless blue sky.

'Ne, Shizu-chan…'

If you know about this, what will you do?

Will you change your opinion of me?

Will you pity me? Or worse, will you making fun of me?

I laughed. There's really something wrong with me. Why am I wondering about the brute's thought of me? How humiliating.

It doesn't matter whether Shizu-chan know about it or not. I prefer that he never know this pathetic side of me anyway. I can't let him find out that this almighty Orihara Izaya actually has a weakness. That I still got the human side of me. No, I am a God and God can't be human. God can't have weakness.

Never again…

Never again will I let anyone break through my heart.

Took a fragment of it then shattered it into pieces.

It won't happen— ever again.

Not… for the second time.

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**A/N: **second chapter finished~ :D

I had a hard time writing Izaya. I hope I managed to portray his feeling well, and not too OOC.

So, in this chapter you got to see a little bit of Tsugaru (yeah~ it was so much fun writing him), as well as his relation with Izaya (it's still quite vague though). I hope you guys enjoyed reading this (if there's actually anyone reading this).

Thank you so much for taking your time in reading this. See you again in the next chapter~


	3. Indescribable Feeling

**Disclaimer: **Belong to Narita. R. I only own the plot.

**Warning: **Unbeta'ed. Beware of grammar mistakes. Swearing and cursing.

**A/N: **I'm so sorry! I know it's been over a month since the last time I updated. I felt ashamed… I just got this writer block, like I know what I wanted to write, yet I couldn't put it into words ;A; I tried to give you new chapter, so here it is. I kinda force myself to write this, since my writer block did not really go away yet, but nevertheless I hope you'll like it. Thank you for all the reviews, fave and follows. They all really encouraged me a lot :)

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"_I hate the feeling of not knowing._

_For not knowing what hurt you, for not knowing how to save you,_

_And above all, for not knowing what I felt toward you."_

* * *

It pissed him off.

Shizuo knew there's something wrong with Izaya but he can't seem to point it out. It frustrated him to not know anything. Heck! It disturbed him even more to say that he was actually gave a damn about the flea. He was supposed to hate the man, but here he is, unable to shake the feeling of being left in the dark, it annoyed him so. He ended up taking all his anger into wrecking the town, throwing countless vending machines, beat some thug up, and scared the shit of people.

It's been hours since their last encounter. Shizuo wish he hadn't let Izaya go back then. He should just force the raven to spill it all out. Because maybe there's nothing wrong, maybe he was just over-thinking everything, or maybe the louse was just messing with him. The latter felt right, perhaps he really was messing with him, taunted him for his reaction. That seems like what that crazy louse would do, Shizuo tried to reassured himself. Even-though deep down, he can't shake the feeling that something was off. His instinct told him there's something going on. Something he knows nothing about.

The blond was walking aimlessly across the road. He didn't really have any destination. He had just finished doing his job as Tom's bodyguard and now he was just strolling along the night.

"Damn it!" Shizuo hissed, scratching his hair, frustrated.

He just keeps getting more and more pissed off every time he thinks about Izaya.

"It's that flea fault!" he cursed. Of course it's Izaya's fault. Every-time things go wrong, Shizuo would always think it's caused by Izaya. It's like an unspeakable fact.

'_I'll just go to Shinra. Maybe he knows something,'_ he thought.

Shinra and Izaya was best friend. He knows the brunette was the closest with Izaya, he was like the informant's only friend (besides Kadota). Those two share something special, a bond that belongs to them exclusively. If there's one person who knows about Izaya more than anyone else, then it got to be Shinra. Shizuo don't understand why he felt upset when he thought of Shinra being the flea's special person.

He stomped furiously all the way to the illegal doctor's apartment. It only took him about fifteen minutes to arrive there.

The bodyguard knocked on the door hard and shouts loudly, "SHINRA!"

In just 3 seconds the door opened. Looks like Shinra was rushing to the door when he heard the loud bang. There's only one person who could possibly done that and he fear the blond would break his door if he didn't open it quickly.

"Shizuo! What do I owe this pleasure? Ah, were you wounded? Where is it? Need me to patch it up? In the mean time, can I take some of your blood for my experiment? I'm sure it'll be fastinat—" the brunette was talking nonstop until Shizuo interrupt him.

"Shut up, Shinra!" he growled. "I don't need you to experiment me or shit like that!" he walked pass Shinra, into the apartment.

The doctor felt dejected for a moment before returned back into his old self. "Then, why did you come here? It's unusual for you to come all the way here for nothing," he asked, his eyes were glinting curiously.

Shizuo frowned then took a seat at the couch. His eyebrows furrowed. He looks conflicted at whatever he wanted to say. He was shifting restlessly and unaware that he bit his lip quite hard, it bled a little.

The brunette also took a seat across Shizuo and eyeing him interestedly. His eyes were gleaming with curiosity. He waits patiently.

After 10 minutes passed, the blond finally speak. "It's the flea."

Shinra perk up at hearing the informant's name, but still kept his mouth shut.

"That… the flea, he was… that… I mean…" Shizuo was mumbling incoherently.

Finally the glasses man opened his mouth, "What is it about Izaya?"

"He…" the blond lift his head and looked straight at Shinra. "He seems weird."

"Well, was there times where Izaya didn't weird?" the brunette response.

"That's not what I mean! Well, I know the flea is always weird, it would be strange if he's not," Shizuo sneered. "But, what I mean is something else. I felt like the louse, there's something off with him!"

"What do you mean by something off? Can you explain it properly, Shizuo?"

And so, the ex-bartender told Shinra everything that happened today. His encounter with Izaya, how Izaya was not being his usual self, how he panicked when he saw Shizuo and how the raven cried.

After listening to Shizuo explanation, the doctor was silent. He didn't talk at all. Instead, he looks like he was thinking about something. His silence irked the blond up.

"Shinra!"

"Ah, sorry Shizuo. Seems like I lost in thought," he laughed dryly.

"I don't give a damn, but don't just go silent on me!" Shizuo growled. "So, do you know something?"

Shinra was silent again for a minute. He tucked his glasses up, "Shizuo, do you know what date is today?"

"Hah?" the blond was confused but still makes an effort to look at the calendar. "It's December 26th."

The doctor twitched a bit, not so apparent but enough to let Shizuo know something was up.

"So? What relation does the date have with this?"

"Well, I can only say that today was kind of special day for Izaya," he answered.

"What the heck, Shinra?! What was that supposed to mean? You didn't tell me a damn thing!" Shizuo snapped.

"I'm sorry, Shizuo. But, it's not my place to tell you," he trailed. "I don't have the right. If you want to know, you can only ask Izaya himself. Though I need to ask you to let it go, at least today. Another day is fine, but just not today."

The bodyguard narrowed his eyes, confused. "What's wrong with today anyway?"

Shinra smile bitterly. "It's the day that everything changed... for Izaya."

The blond snorted,"What? Could it be that the flea was involved in some shit? And that he mess up?"

"Something like that," the brunette replied.

"So what? It's what the flea does all the time! Messing with people around, involved in some shady shit, and I'm sure as hell that one or two mess up would never affected him at all!"

Shinra was silent before speaking up in serious tone, "Izaya maybe an asshole, cold, and the worst type of people." He laughed wryly then looked straight at Shizuo. His eyes were flickered with an unreadable emotion. "But, Izaya still is a human, Shizuo. Just a normal human being."

Shizuo was taken aback. He may still not understand a thing, but he did realize something must have happened. From the way Shinra told him, that something must be really bad that it could affect Izaya greatly. The blond was just going to question the doctor again, but chose to shut his mouth up when he saw Shinra was not going to tell him anything more.

It frustrated him not to know anything. It frustrated him even more to not knowing why his heart stung when he thought of the possibility the flea hurting, from something he know nothing about. If it was 4 years ago, he wouldn't have care. If only the flea didn't pull that stunt 4 years ago, if he didn't do _**that **_to Shizuo that day, he would have felt happy to see the raven suffered.

But **no**. Four years ago, that day, Izaya had thrust deep into Shizuo's heart and put his marking inside. He can no longer pretended nothing happened, pretended that he hated the man, because he'd change. It's just one thing, yet he couldn't bring himself to just throw it aside, to just forget _**that day**_.

_The day where everything changed._

* * *

**A/N: **It's done…? Well, you must be confused with what shizuo mean by four years ago and _**that day, **_I can only say it's one very essential part in this story. It'll be revealed sooner or later~

Anyway, I'm sorry if there are grammar mistakes or spelling error. I didn't have enough time proofread this. Review makes me happy. But overall, thanks for reading!


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